Today I find myself chasing after words as I try to pen them to paper. It’s unusual for me to be at a loss for words but writing is a creative process and creativity is a fickle beast when shrouded in unexpected grief.
“A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person’s strength.” Proverbs 17:22 (NLT)
Within a 24-hour period I received news of two deaths and the energy that drives my thoughts is caught between two polar opposite extremes of grief: Ex-spouse and child of a close family member. My emotions seem displaced and off-balance.
The first life account was closed many years ago by divorce and in time we both opened new joint life accounts. Life goes on, or so I thought. I discovered that memories of love lost and shared intimacy never give divorce permanent closure.
Long forgotten emotional attachments surfaced upon news of his death. Any hope for answers to questions I have longed to ask now rest in his grave.
The closure of the second life account is filled with moments I want to embrace and deposit into my forever memory bank. This life bears no emotional resemblance to the other, but both provoke feelings of grief. It’s a catalyst of mixed emotions that render me wordless.
Pervasive thoughts fill my thoughts and the reality that life ends with or without notice hits me head on. Did this life account close with a plus or minus balance? Did they know Jesus? Was the life account eternally insured?
I am convinced that our life encounters and relationships with people aren’t random. Even messed up relationships, the ones that go way bad, have a God-ordained purpose. Death compels us to pause and reflect on those shared connections and come to terms with our loss and the grief that follows.
Prayer for Today:
I want my life bank account to be insured in Heaven. When life circumstances bankrupt my life account and grief overwhelms me, disperse mercy and grace.
Let forgiveness cover any circumstances that overdraft my life account and when my words become captive to grief, allow me to rest in you.
A really good post and well written. I love what you wrote: “Even messed up relationships, the ones that go way bad, have a God-ordained purpose.” I believe this too. I don’t know if there’s such a thing as closure for our pain this side of heaven.